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Don't fight it

One of the later Nijmegen days

Nijmegen, the Netherlands September 2004 —

I lived in Nijmegen from August 2003 until January 2005.

I went there because I'd met a Dutch girl in Ireland.

Kim was stressed from school. I'm a bit under pressure. I made a list of things I need to do. Well, it seems a bit heavy but maybe not.

I don't want to be dependent upon Kim. I don't want to be dependent upon Arend [my employer.] I don't want to be dependent upon the government. I don't want to be dependent.

I don't know if I want to stay in Holland. I don't know if me being here is good for Kim. And if it's not — questions of dependency aside or included — then I don't want to be here. I asked her, unfairly, such a direct question. Of course, she doesn't know.

She said, vis-a-vis nothing, that three jongeren (young men) are coming over tonight.

She came home, she said, because she wasn't sure I was going to get the work done. How do you fight against something like that? Maybe you don't.

Wat ben ik voor een plan? ...

Maybe this will include a trip to America.*

Hm. It's true, America has changed since I've been there. True, too — conversely — that America was already a fundamentalist Christian quasi-imperial state when I left. But G.W. Bush had not been president. September 11, 2001, more pointedly, had not happened yet. Not by a long shot.

I remember thinking, that evening that I drank three beers, "alcohol causes pain; alcohol eases pain." I'd worked veel, and I just couldn't go out any more. That was the pain. I wanted more.

Just sent a text to J_ asked if I can sleep in his place if this works out for me to go to Ireland.

Maybe I should go to America, finally.

Kim doesn't believe in me. This isn't something to fight against; it's too big. Ditto, Arend. He doesn't believe in me either.

No; don't fight it.
— 1 September, 2004


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*I did not go to America until the spring of 2007, when I visited for one month.

In May of 2011, I returned there to live.

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