Nijmegen, the Netherlands September 2004
I lived in Nijmegen from August 2003 until January 2005.
I went there because I'd met a Dutch girl in Ireland.
Kim was stressed from school. I'm a bit under pressure. I made a list of things I need to do. Well, it seems a bit heavy but maybe not.
I don't want to be dependent upon Kim. I don't want to be dependent upon Arend [my employer.] I don't want to be dependent upon the government. I don't want to be dependent.
I don't know if I want to stay in Holland. I don't know if me being here is good for Kim. And if it's not questions of dependency aside or included then I don't want to be here. I asked her, unfairly, such a direct question. Of course, she doesn't know.
She said, vis-a-vis nothing, that three jongeren (young men) are coming over tonight.
She came home, she said, because she wasn't sure I was going to get the work done. How do you fight against something like that? Maybe you don't.
Wat ben ik voor een plan? ...
Maybe this will include a trip to America.*
Hm. It's true, America has changed since I've been there. True, too conversely that America was already a fundamentalist Christian quasi-imperial state when I left. But G.W. Bush had not been president. September 11, 2001, more pointedly, had not happened yet. Not by a long shot.
I remember thinking, that evening that I drank three beers, "alcohol causes pain; alcohol eases pain." I'd worked veel, and I just couldn't go out any more. That was the pain. I wanted more.
Just sent a text to J_ asked if I can sleep in his place if this works out for me to go to Ireland.
Maybe I should go to America, finally.
Kim doesn't believe in me. This isn't something to fight against; it's too big. Ditto, Arend. He doesn't believe in me either.
No; don't fight it.
*I did not go to America until the spring of 2007, when I visited for one month.
In May of 2011, I returned there to live.
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