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Notes from January 2019

Interior, January 2019 - What are Deanna's intentions with this property?

- I've predicted to Mom that when Marilyn and Eldon come to visit in the springtime, Marilyn will be the first to say anything good about me being with Mom since the last time Marilyn was here.

- As a Yank who's travelled a bit, I've never seen anythiing like Ireland for women standing in doorways. Most people, you stare at the side of their eyeball for a bit and they'll see your approach. Not so Irish women. I learned to prepare myself when I stepped out -- I'd have to address people whom I would think should be able to see me.

- there was one time that i was afraid that i was going tto be afraid to be alone, but it never happened.

silent moments some of the quietest of my life
but she quit speaking to me

- Dr Hill didn't like the word fatigue. [His assistant] CCody didn't like the word dizzy. They have an EMG and an MRI and they're quibbling about words I've used in describing the condition.

- I always knew somebody was on acid when on my way home by bicycle I could see from a low distance that the muscle-car tail-light that I'd found and turned into a nightlight was turned on and the only light in the front room. The Butthole Surfers always played, usually the double live, and always a lot of punk rock and hardcore. I was older than these skate punks, but we got along and I was almost always in the mood to dose in those days. That's just the way it was. I'm not sentimental about it. I still like the music we listened to.

- When I left Ireland in '11, there were building projects half-completed
a piece of broken ground beside a house partly built beside one complete but for the stickers on the windows -- houses nobody wanted to buy anymore because the market was gone for that sort of thing. I didn't understand it. When I got back to the states, there it was, the exact same thing in the local styles, in the exact same state of discontinuation. It was weird. I still don't get it.

- The only reason I'm not agnostic on Jeff and Doug's attitudes about me is that they really made life more difficult for Mom and myself by just being negative and confusing.
We're not out of this yet, either, and they're as oblivious as ever. They're being civil now, but they don't understand anything.

- I believe that liberalism is civilization itself.
I believe that there's no excuse for political conservatism because it is already an excuse for something else: racism, greed, religious piety, some vile quality irredeemable.

- "Peace, cousin... And now I will unclasp a secret book,, and to your quick-conceiving discontents I'll read you matter deep and dangerous, as full of peril and adventurous spirit as to o'er-walk a current roaring loud on the unsteadfast footing of a spear."
  - from Henry IV Part 1

- The Helsinki giggle

- And a State of the Union address during their shutdown?? They would. You watch; they will

- Here's a thought experiment: Mom has to tell her churchh friends one thing; Steve loves a woman or Steve is dead. Which is more difficult? The answer, I suggest, is unknowable.

- Mom's had a difficult couple of weeks, but she's okay. She went to the hospital by ambulance a couple of times. During the most recent visit, the attending pysician suggested anxiety, and Mom agreed. I was glad of that. That had been a scary couple of days -- it seemed like she was in an untreatable flutter. Changes in blood-pressure medication may have exacerbated but more likely disappeared into the panic. Anxiety is terrible but it's a diagnosis.

She said this evening that she knows it will take time.

- Mom's not accustomed to being alone and I'm not accustoomed to... checking in.

- I don't listen to talk radio bullshit but yesterday swaapping up and down the dial while en route, I heard "80% of the Muslim world isn't banned. And the Democrats are still going to complain." How can one confront extreme ignorance when it cannot be ignored? I'd like to figure that out.

- Trump really really wants to give a State of the Union address while the government is shut down because of him.

- when have I done enough/when do I know enough about thiis piece/when have I had enough and it's time to go lie down, rest the neck, and plan a next step/another thing to do elsewhere.

In September [2017] I quit drinking. By November I had a Lego prototype. In December I started construction and moved in perforce on the first of March. I've been learning Shakepearean English, too. My father died in June and a couple of days before that, my right arm started not working. That began a period of darkness. I was able to do little per day. Jeff and Doug cursed at me. Mom didn't know what to believe, and she was in the house lonely. But I got the roof on, and the insulation in -- all the walls rough covered, etc., before winter.