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Some horrible generalizations about Irish women

• Irish women tend to wear loud shoes that they don't know how to walk on. Okay, let's just let that stand for "very little feminine grace."

• Irish women tend to have no asses. I don't like myself when I write about Irish women in general. I met a few whom I loved (but couldn't be with, for various reasons. I'm not saying I'm the greatest catch, either. I love me drink and me social welfare as much as the next lad. (It's a long story.)

• They tend to have large vertical frown lines between their eyebrows — sometimes as many as four, and probably often worn into the bone of their skull.

• And then there are the frowns that came along with making those frown lines.... They don't like you — not like that. Don't even try it, unless you're drunk and have that for an excuse.