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There's always somebody trying to make Jesus out to be "the first [fill in the blank.]"

Isn't there always somebody trying to make Jesus, Mozart, or Shakespeare cool and modern?


Fine, some appreciation for the old fellows. That's great. But it's patronizing and condescendent when folks try to play these guys off like they ought to be considered some kind of proto-punk rock stars.

And while we're at it, what about those bad-asses?

• When classical music in the background is annoying, it's usually Mozart. A child prodigy, whoop-dee-doo. The filigree of his music is wallpaper. Mozart is a bore.

• Jesus,
had he existed, would have been a radical thinker, maybe. The ideas associated with in his name have helped usher in a more humanistic view of humans — maybe. They've also been used in the justification of oppression, torture and cruelty up to and including mass-murder. But — regardless of the proceeding effects of his legacy — Jesus did not skate. Jesus was not a fun guy.

• Shakespeare? He's been dead for a long time. His use of the English was masterful — but that shit's hard to read now. Our language has changed. Shakespeare's pen is not always comprehensible. Reading or attending one of his plays is nearly an act of translation. The law of diminishing returns may come into effect.

Shakespeare doesn't "rock." Jesus didn't skate.