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Cosmic background

June 2003, Kilkenny Ireland —

I was living in Kilkenny in June of 2003. I'd arrived in September of '01, and had rarely left town.

I wrote this page a few days before I went on a meandering busride westward on a trip during which I met the Dutch girl Kim, for whom I went to to the Netherlands later in the summer. I stayed there for a year and a half.

Out beyond anger, back to sweetness.

Sometimes when I'm just trying to be friendly to a woman, she will "reject" me as if I'm trying it on with her. Of course. This is natural enough, that it happens sometimes. I let it get me too upset. I recognize this; I'm trying now to modify my reactivity.

Classic response, for me, is resentment. Protective action, reticence.

There's a joke about Irish Travellers that is not particularly funny--and besides that it's racist, which is probably why it's not funny.

When it becomes impossible, it is no longer expected

I downloaded the Marshall Mathers LP and burned it onto a CD. I guess I'm a criminal.

Saw Linda [on] High Street[;] word's gonna be out that Steve's not shaving. Got a call from Justin I missed, 6 o'clock. He rang at 8, said trying to ring you since 6, and silence hung he waited for my explanation. I'm cracking up to get out of town. Tomorrow I'm going to leave for a period longer by far than any I've taken since I've been here. I'm cracking up to get out. More than I want to see F_ [a girl I'd just met,] I'm cracking up to get out of town.

This is part of the writing. Part of the book. so to speak. The conflict. To belong, to be free. Accountable for every action yes in cosmic background. But to do things that are not as wrong as [much as they are] proscribed or even merely over-observed.


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